To The Moon & Back & Back Again

it’s one o’clock in the morning and i’m still alone in this world. i kinda wish i was dead, so i tally my emotions on my wrist instead. the physical pain sorta numbs the feelings and puts the demons at ease. yet my soul is still trapped inside screaming, “please.”

My heart can't decide if it wants to trickle & cry, or continue on with this lie. I really want to try, but I wish I could shrivel up & die. My heart is filled with a hot blazing rage, and I feel like I'm trapped in a cage. Is it time to tear out the page, or is this the path to our shining stage?

My heart ached to learn of the lies you fed me And even though I came out bruised and broken, I have been set free. The flames that once engulfed me have become a part of my very soul, They have the burning strength to walk away And take back control. I stand great and tall wearing the crown, I now rule over all, And my demons have no choice but to bow down.

I had a lover that I fancied for years, But one day he left me in a puddle tears. Another woman had come between us, And he was planning to leave, thus I came up with a plan to cause him misery, With my acquainted skills of witchery. A little voodoo doll, Would make his skin crawl, With the tingle of bugs, which he truly hated. And a curse to leave him always humiliated After a late night of romance. I whispered a spell, to make us cross paths by chance. A concoction of poison sat bubbling in my pocket, I slipped it in his drink, now making it toxic. I watched in the shadowed corner, And t o his new lover’s horror, He coils and slithers, And begins to wither Into the snake that had made our love disappear.

The only thing that keeps me sane, Is the same pill that makes me feel dead inside. I hear the voices laughing in my head Taunting me… Not pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough.  Enough for this world. They tell me to let the pain ooze from my wrists,  That it will make the hurt feel like happiness. If I just drink a little more, The voices will slur and forget how to speak, Till I drown them in the darkness of blackout. If I just turn the music on till I block all the static of the world, The voices will shut up and relax for a while. The voices tell me to smile. To say I’m doing well,  And happy with my life. They lie, and tell me it’s true. They tell me that they are my friends,  That I don’t need to silence them. But I can feel their toxins course through my entire being. Taking over my body, Till I have no control but to be a puppet.

The hardest parts of finding missing pieces of the puzzle after moving on, Is realizing that you never really did move on. That missing piece suddenly brings back all the pain and heartache. And even though it’s been months, the memory of it makes it feel real still. And the hardest part about that, Is knowing have you have to let go now. Knowing you have to find that strength to get yourself back up again, The strength that seemed so impossible to find the first time, To wipe your own tears away,   And find peace within yourself. Trying to forgive their betrayal, And forgiving yourself for the blame you put in your own mind. The hardest part is letting go of the person you were then, And accepting the new person you’ve become now.

For a wound to properly heal without infection, You should remove the weapon which caused the damage. So how is that any different with an emotional wound? People make it sound like running away from your problems is always a bad thing.   But if the problem is out of your control to fix, Then just like removing the weapon, you must remove what is causing that emotional ache. Sometimes to let yourself truly rectify, You must get away completely from the source of your emotional turmoil. Sometimes "toughening it out" or " time will heal all" just stabs the knife in deeper. Sometimes you need escape. The constant reminder that you have been hurt,   That you can't fix what has been broken, Will haunt you in memories till you can destroy it with peace.

It's hard to believe I used to love you.  1 year ago, we were writing each other letters and emails every week.  2 years ago, you said you were going to marry me.  3 years ago, we were dating and spending as much time together as we could.  4 years ago, I was finally able to admit to myself that I really liked you. I never thought in my wildest dreams you'd actually go for me. But then you did.  4 years I loved you endlessly.   I thought the love was mutual, but to you, our relationship was just a game.  4 years, on and off, more than friends, but only friends.  You'd say, "I love you and I cannot wait to come home and marry you," As you were talking to other girls behind my back.  I never said anything, because I wanted to trust you, and you to trust me.   I should have seen the excuses I came up with for 4 years  as the red flags Floundering in my head screaming  "WARNING! WARNING!"   4...

It's not easy to love yourself When the rest of the world is pointing out the ways that make you different. And as much as you hate the way they laugh in your face, You turn your back and do the same. You never hug the rain Because you know you’ll end up soaking wet. You don’t look at the sun’s light, Because the outer ugliness blinds your eyes. You refuse to step shoeless in the dirt Only because the softness isn’t enough to cover the muddle of its history. When the tree beckons you for comfort, You turn your cheek as if You’re the leaves that fall to the ground. You trade silence with the wind as if its going to find the shattered pieces of the chaos that surround your slowly pumping heart. You let your blood seep into the grave with the unwritten words Worthless, Unwanted, Invisible that engrave your darkened eyes instead. Every day your ears ring with the chords of demise And the murder of symp...

if there was any happiness left to be written, it was hidden. invisible under the icy cold snow of deception. the liquids that poured and trickled down my burning soul were no longer the sweet taste of hope, but the poisoned elixir of secrets. i was concealed in mysteries that mother desired to uncover but i couldn't even revel them to myself. secrets kept the dark and dangerous inside me. but the thoughts remained undercover and I wept and begged for mercy.

That winter night we stood under the cemetery trees The moon was fogged, as though it was chidden of God; And fading foot prints pressed the precious life out of the starving sod. Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove The silences that passed were like those of years ago, Before we knew we’d have a love to loathe, In which we lost in times curtailing flow. The fire in my eyes was the deadliest thing, Alive enough to burn through your lies And a grin of bitter sweetness swept thereby, Like a creature of night with broken wings. Since then, keen lessons that love deceives, And the ringing of your wrongs will forever hunt my memories, With the sight of your face, and a moon, and a old cemetery, The fading footprints, and my last memories.

Give everything, get nothing. That’s how it is with you. You told me three words, I convinced myself they were true. You got me to do things   I never would do. I deformed down to your throne. You whispered three words, I opened myself up for you. Interests intrigued by other flesh, I leave and tell you no, Don’t you see?   You can’t have both. Apologizes with three words, I was back in the palm of your hand. Trust, dreams, time, and money; I packaged them up in the little brown box. Along with my bleeding, hand stitched heart. You wrote back three words, Your promises felt so real. The distance between us Became just that. The letters stopped coming,   Emails were cut short. The three words rang silent, Only the screams at night were heard. Now I’m left laying alone, Wishing I had never met you. The sound of your voice, the touch of your skin, The look in your eyes, ...

Black    & White Splattered across sheets Of paper Conveying bright colors To the ear Until silence embraces you With a mystery untold…

I need inspiration And I need it now My life’s work will be through If only I had a little inspiration. Oh the turmoil I must face! Oh the death which is hung upon my life For I have no inspiration! The king will surely have me dismissed, The queen will put shame into my name. I will be known as the “clueless” People will use my name for insults And venomous curses. Oh the irony! For I am one with ideas, Not with out. I am the one who searches Time for things which have not been done. I dream in the sea of designed thoughts, Not in the torrents of feeble intelligence. I am one with wits, and charms, Never have I thought I, (Of all people for goodness sake) would travel This path of oblivion. Surely this is my end, But to leave without a idea in question, Is much worse to be burned at the stake.

I bring darkness. Gloom. I am a monster, A creature of the night. Shadows conceal   me; I want to be uncovered. I’m drench in crimson sorrow, And trapped in murky memories. I cry over blinding noises, “Release Me, Release Me!” But I am only one voice, One Soul. Why save me?

            The midnight black mare stood grazing the moon lit grass. She minded on her own, enjoying her late dinner. Her rough tongue passed over a fallen apple and she nibbled at it. It’s sour juices filled her mouth, and she spewed out   the rotten remains and looked up. Her ears perked as the sound of foots steps came closer…               “Please dear, you don’t understand. I did not mean to offend you. I only meant to suggest…,”             “I do not care, you foolish girl! It wouldn’t matter if had offended me or not, I am still going to kill you! You’ve seen too much,” Tilliy’s secret lover bellowed in his dim voice. She had never seen him like this, so dark, so murderous. He had already killed tonight, and he was going to do it again.           ...

A place where fairies fly, and mermaids swim. Where the grass is green and soft, And sweet smelling flowers are every where. That’s where you’ll find me. An enchanted forest with Sparkling streams flowing through. The trees are green towering canapé’s. The waterfalls roar into rivers, And the seas wash   golden sand Over the shining shore. That’s where you’ll find me. A place where stars smile and twinkle Up in the midnight sky, Waking up from a long slumber. The clouds drift lazily Across the turquoise heavens, Taking their journey slow. The sun rises and sets With glorious entrances and exits. A panting of yellows, oranges, reds, Pinks, purples, and creams, they create. That’s where you’ll find me. Dew drops glitter and shine On bright green leaves, So delicate and precious are they. There is no better place and peace than this. That’s where you’ll find me.

When my days are broken, the winds speak to me, with tender words. When I need comfort, the trees sigh in my ears, symphonies of bliss. When I need a hand to hold, the waters of the stream grasp my hands, with powerful, profound, currents. But some day soon I will not need them, to take the pain away; I will find some one who can do it all. Some one who speaks tender words, sighs blissful symphonies, and grasps my hands. The winds, won’t need to speak to me, The trees, won’t sigh in my ears any more,   The waters, can flow freely without my hands. They can move along Without a trouble in the world. When I find that some one, They can forget me. They won’t need to hear my laughter and sobs, they won’t need to wait for me day after day, they will live as they were meant to live. And when I do need them, they will always be there, Waiting.

I can place the blade of a dagger upon the palm of my hand and let it slice deep into my flesh and feel not the pain; For the sorrow I feel in my heart is far deeper than any corporeal pain.